My glass is 1/3 full

Well, one more chemo down....4 to go! As I sit here at my computer I am slowly realizing that this process is going to be a long one. I knew before I even started treatment that my battle against cancer would be long, but the days after chemotherapy make me realize just how long. It's hard to explain to anyone that has not gone thru it themselves exactly how you feel after treatment, and what exactly the side effects are like. Either way, these are the times I find it the hardest to be positive. All I want to do is sleep. If they ever figure out a way to safely knock you out for 7 days after chemo and you can wake up having missed "the fog" then I am all for it! The second cycle of meds actually left me feeling "better" than the first, but still no where near myself. How silly it sounds to want to be able to mop your floors, or do your dishes without feeling like it will take the last bit of energy you have. Bring back those boring nights of doing nothing with the kids. Man, did I ever have it good! Just got to remind myself it will all be back in due time...

 I am still getting used to my G.I. Jane look...even though I do prefer it to my wig. I feel better walking around bald than I do looking like a drag queen. Everyone says the wig looks wonderful, and it is a very nice wig, but I feel like a 70 year old man trying to dress like a woman in it. Will I ever feel attractive again....I sure hope so!

And Life Goes On...

It's been awhile since I last wrote. I guess when you get to feeling well, time flies! For the first time since surgery I was able to take care of myself and my kids all by myself, which was a big step. Just when I was starting to heal up from surgery I had to get my first saline fill, which put me back a couple of steps and kept me from lifting Aiden...then chemo knocked me out for a week and a half...and honestly I still don't think I am suppose to be lifting more than 5 lbs. BUT I am proud to say I was able to have a pretty "normal" weekend :) It was so nice to be able to do my own laundry and get back to a routine. The appreciation for all the help my family and friends have given me over the last month and a half cannot even be expressed in words. And Sunday, while I was out to lunch with the kids, I actually started crying....right there in the middle of CiCi's...lol...my daughter probably thought I was going crazy. But it all hit me, as I looked at Aiden making a mess with his pasta noodles, and Bella sat there and told me about how much she liked her new posters in her room....I broke down....but not because I was sad, more because I was happy...because I AM happy. I am so happy that I am healthy enough to enjoy my wonderful kids, to be able to go to work, to do the little things that make my life great. So as I headed to my aunt's house to watch football, I thanked God for my health...and I know that might sound strange since I have cancer and am not the "healthiest" I have ever been...but at the end of the day, I am here and I am HEALTHY and HAPPY :) This week is not my favorite....have a saline fill into my expanders on Tuesday....Oncology appt and bloodwork on Thursday....Chemo on Friday. But I am trying not to look at the bad. Gonna focus on the good...have a friend teaching me Acoustic Guitar,  my favorite show GLEE on Tuesday and an web interview tonight to be part of a book on young cancer survivors...PLUS my Race for the Cure commercial is airing this month on Channel 9. Lookaloting at it this way make my week look alot nicer! Will be blogging soon about my second chemotherapy treatment...wish me luck!

P.S. My hair is thinning but hasn't completely fallen out yet...so when it does, be looking for the pretty bald pictures :)

Treatment #1 Down...and so am I

Ok, so no one said this was going to be a walk in the park, but I have only had one treatment and I feel like butt...lol. On Friday I showed up with bells on to receive my first round of Taxotere and Cytoxan, no big deal. Me and mom sat for three and a half hours as the medication ran its course. The port is a wonderful invention, one stick and no discomfort...I am all for that. And honestly, I left thinking that this was just as easy as could be. We got lunch, went home and I layed down. The whole weekend was a blur. The only way I can describe how I felt, and how I continue to feel, is like when you are just coming down or getting over the flu. Foggy head, tired, food has no appeal, just want to lay down but can't stand being in bed...it is very strange. I know I am on edge, and not myself. As I am sitting here typing this I feel like my head is in the clouds...and not in a good way. I am hungry, but don't even want to think about food really...I have been trying to drink lots of water, to flush the drugs out, and just keep my head up. I had a breakdown on Saturday...emotions are high...feels like I am very alone and all of a sudden the strength that has carried me through kind of disappeared...I knew this was going to happen, I have expected it all along, but it doesn't make it easier...very depressed feeling. This makes me doubt myself even more, because they say the treatments only get worse....GREAT, if this is the easiest, how the hell am I gonna make it thru Decemeber?? I am not looking forward to the Neulasta injection I am scheduled for today...it ups your white cell count, but I have heard the side effects (bone pain, etc) is no fun. Wish this was more upbeat but sorry folks, just not feeling it today. Oh, and P.S. wigs suck....all of them...they all look like crap...just FYI.

Losing my security blanket

With my first chemo treatment just 3 days away I knew it was time. I needed to cut my hair. OK, so you are thinking big deal, right? It's hair...it grows back. Well, to me, my hair is a symbol of my youth...of memories...it's part of me. I think the idea of losing my hair is WAY more horrific than losing my boobs. Long hair = Jessica...period...always. I have never had a short haircut, so maybe that is why it's a very difficult concept to get used to. Either way, my hair is going to fall out anyways...right? So, off I went to the hairdresser. By the way, if you live in my neck of the woods you NEED this guys phone number...Bobby is a miracle worker and has an eye for finding your perfect individual cut/style. So, I put myself in his very capable hands....and the results were better than I could have hoped for. For the next 2-3 weeks, before I become the cutest bald chick you've ever seen (hehe) I have one awesome short haircut :) And the best part of it all is the fact I could donate my hair to Locks of Love and help make a wig for a child in need.

Getting through the bad makes the good even better

The weeks following surgery were interesting, to say the least. My mom, who has had the same procedure done, kept telling me how well I was doing. In my opinion I was taking forever to heal. The hardest part of it all was not being able to hold or hug my kids. And to this day, over 4 weeks later, I still can't hold my 1 year old. I have to basically have 24/7 help to care for my little one, so my family has been taking shifts...lol...I feel like I am a child some days, but with that being said I wouldn't change my family for the world. They have pretty much sacrificed their own normal lives to make mine function day to day, and I will forever be grateful for everything they have done and continue to do. That includes the benefit they put together to help raise funds for my treatment and awareness for the cause. Everything went so well, and it made me stop worrying so much about the loss of my income and focus more on my recovery and health. It's hard to ignore the fact that you will lose 1/3 of your income for at least 6 months because you can't work your normal 60 hours a week...pretty scary actually...I started picturing us living in the streets for a minute. But a million thanks to all the friends, family, co-workers, and strangers that have donated their time and money to make sure me and my children don't have to have those fears. There are so many thoughts that go through your head when something like this happens. On top of financial fears (which was one of my biggest) another was how am  I ever going to date again? Don't get me wrong, I know this is not my main problem right now...lol...but in the grand scheme of things I am only 27 years old, and eventually one day I would like to have a boyfriend...but I don't think there is a big market for bald chicks with no boobs who have chemotherapy and radiation treatments covering their calenders...lol. I have to keep constantly reminding myself that after this is all done I will grow my hair back, I will have surgery for implant placement, and I won't always have a never-ending schedule of doctor visits. This too shall pass. So, in the meantime I take it one step at a time...this past weekend was my son's first birthday and it was just amazing watching him around his family, all smiles, and just loving every minute of the day. It's those moments that make you realize why you fight, why you go thru all the bad to get to the good, why each day and each minute is precious...these are the important things in life.

What do you mean I am not here for a pedicure??

July 21st, 2010 - Surgery day had arrived. I was scheduled to go in for a bilateral mastectomy with tissue expander placement for reconstruction, and placement of a port for chemotherapy. When the nurse checked me in and read over the various procedures with me to confirm that I knew what I was having done I joked with her "What? You mean I'm not here for a pedicure?" At first she didn't know how to take my humor, but then she realized I was in good spirits, and she laughed. That was pretty much how the whole day went...no one really knew how to take my mood. The only way I can explain how I felt that day was calm. I woke up with the mind set that this is what I have to do, this is what I am going to do, and I am going to keep my spirits up as much as possible through it all. But I couldn't deny the overwhelming peaceful feeling that went through me, and continues to run through me every day since surgery. I know where the credit is due....all the prayers everyone was saying for me and God's amazing power was the reason I found my strength. I have never experienced anything like it before, and I will always be the first to attest to the power of prayer from now on. So, as my family sat around me, waiting for me to be wheeled off to surgery, we talked and laughed and had the other patients wondering....why the heck is this girl so happy before surgery?? Not a single tear was shed that day...well, not by me at least...and I went into that operating room knowing that this was the beginning of a long journey, but one that will make me much stronger in the end. And I found it kind of ironic, that one month exactly before my son's first birthday I was having a surgery done that wasn't part of my "Things to Do" list one month ago. And I also thought it was funny, 11 months ago I was having a c-section, today I was having a mastectomy....when do I get my pedicure??

Out of body experience

The long anticipated results came on July 7th, while I was sitting at my desk. When I answered the phone to hear not the nurses voice, but my doctor's voice, on the other end. This was not a good sign. "Hello Jessica, I know it must have been hard waiting so long for these results....as you probably guessed it is a malignant tumor, so we are going to send you to a specialist and get a treatment plan together." Any other time I would have been furious that a doctor would be so calm while giving that kind of news, and on the phone none the less....but not this time. This doctor knew my family history as well as I did, and I am sure, in her mind, it was only a waiting game before this news was given to me. Before hanging up the phone the doctor even offered to help babysit, if I needed it, which I thought was sweet and comical all at the same time. Who's doctor does that? The doctor of a 26 year old single mom who has just been diagnosed with breast cancer I guess.  So, what did I do? I hung up the phone and cried my eyes out, right there at my desk...then, I got in my car and drove to go get my kids like any other day. The next couple of weeks were a blur...doctors appointments, talking to family and friends,  planning for surgery, and trying to live life normally at the same time. The whole time it felt like an out of body experience, and I guess that is a good thing because it helped get me to the operating room in one piece, without completely losing my mind...well, sort of.