I Actually Did It....Chemo Grad 2010!

I can finally say I have successfully finished 6 rounds of chemotherapy and I am done with that part of my treatment....THANK YOU GOD SOOOOO MUCH! If I didn't have the next 5 days of feeling like crap to look forward to I would go out and celebrate...lol. Every time I even think about the fact that I don't have to do chemo again I want to cry tears of joy. A couple times I thought I would not make it - no way, no how, felt like giving in and giving up....but He didn't let me and I am just so happy I made it this far. The journey is not over...but a major part of it is behind me. Must go drink water and sleep now....plus I  have a very tired 15 month old boy to put to bed....will update soon!

Give Thanks...

I am Thankful....

Thankful that I am able to wake up in the morning
Thankful that I can hug my two wonderful kids
Thankful I have a house to go home to
Thankful I have a bed to sleep in at night
Thankful I have friends to keep me motivated and positive
Thankful I have a job to drag my butt to everyday
Thankful I have the most amazing family anyone could ever ask for
Thankful I have people that genuinely love me and care about my well being
Thankful for my doctors, my nurses, my health insurance
Thankful that God gives me the strength to keep fighting when I feel like giving up
Thankful I am even able to type this right now

And above all this I am Thankful that, for the first year of my life, I can honestly say I know what it means to be Thankful and to realize your blessings...I always thought I knew, but I didn't....now I do.

Thank you

Do I REALLY have to go???

I am sitting here waiting for Megan, my wonderful friend, who has volunteered  to be my chemo date for today. Chemotherapy treatment #5...ohh, how I have dreaded you but looked forward to you at the same time. I get this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach at the mention of the word chemotheraphy but I only have 2 more left...and after today I can say 1 more to go!! That excites me. As much as the thought of never ever having to do anything like this again hopefully ***knocks on wood** If I could, I would act like a little kid, kick and scream and hide in my closet to not have to go to this appointment. I am such a baby...I need to suck it up and face it head on, with a smile. Maybe there will be some cute bald guy in the chemo chair next to me that I can relate to...haha...a girl can wish can't she???

In a hurry, but don't want to miss a thing....

I cannot wait for these next 2 months to be over for alot of reasons....

1. My last chemotherapy treatment is December 10th....THANK YOU LORD!!!!!
2. No more saline fills into the tissue expanders....woohoo!!!
3. Less doctor appointments for alittle while
4. Bloodwork less often :)
5. Back to the crazy, sleepless schedule of working 2 jobs...yes, that's right....I miss my second job :(

I am really excited because my plastic surgeon is set to do surgery in January to put the implants in and finish reconstruction....before radiation. Which is wonderful for me because I thought I was going to have to deal with these expanders until at least March. I am counting down the days til surgery like a kid waiting for Christmas.

But as much as I would like to sleep thru these next two months to get to January....this is my favorite part of the year and I am not wanting to miss out on any family gatherings, special events and holiday parties. If only I could be done with all this before next week...lol...in a perfect world.
I know He already knows what I want for Christmas but GOD PLEASE MAKE ME HEALTHY AGAIN....Amen

Me and the kiddos on Halloween

Thank God It's NOT Friday...

I have begun to really hate Fridays. Friday used to be one of my favorite days of the week. Even though I am usually working 17 hrs on Fridays, it was always fun. Now I begin to get a sinking feeling in my stomach every 3rd week when Friday starts to roll around. Nothing like knowing once I get in that chair for chemo on Friday that I am going to feel like crap for 7 days days. I wish I could skip it all together. Half of me is saying "woohoo, only 3 more treatments to go!" and the other half is saying "There is no way I can put myself thru this 3 more times!" When January rolls around and all of these lovely chemo dates are off my calender I am going to throw myself the biggest freakin party people will wonder what the heck is wrong with me!

Sweet Home Chicago!

Let me start by saying Cycle 3 of Chemo was by far the worst one yet. With that being said, I was hell bent on feeling better by the time our plane took of on Thursday the 14th. Day 3-6 of the week after treatment were pretty bad, I felt like crawling under a rock. I asked my co-worker Heather to just kill me know and put me out of my misery...several times...thankfully, she didn't listen to me. But, when it was time to make the trip to Chicago for my cousin Mike's wedding. all the side effects seemed to fade away in the nick of time. It was a great trip...alittle short...but great. The wedding itself was just beautiful. Aiden was the best little travel buddy ever. It's times like these, when all the family comes together, it makes you realize just how blessed you are. I am so fortunate to have the family I have, and it gets taken for granted too often. Not many people can say they have such a close, loving relationship with their family. And even more so now, because of what I am going thru, I realize that you have to give thanks for the things we seem to just think are suppose to be. I really didn't want to come back to Florida. I love living near the ocean, and the weather, and my friends here...but I wasn't ready to come back. I know part of it was that we still didn't get to see all the family we needed to, and there is always so much to do when you are on vacation....just one week more would have been great. But also it was, for me, the realization that my journey with cancer is far from over. Being away from the doctors and needles and everything for four days made me feel as close to normal as I was going to get. It was nice to be focused on something else for a change and be away from reality. But, all good things must come to an end...and life must go on. Man....reality sucks sometimes.

The many faces of Jessica

Here are just some of the wigs I have been playing around with - found some crazy deals and ended up with a nice selection - trying something new almost everyday...gotta find fun in someting, right? MOre pics to come in future :)

Mid/Long Bown with highlights...cute with headbands

Black Mid/Long...very "sexy"

Still on the fence about this one - first time ever close to a blonde!

One of my favs...like the haircut I had before hair loss...brown short

Yep, definite fav

Get the most compliments on this one...short brown with copper highlights

I also have a brown curly one, a long light brown, a long dark brown/maroon highlights with bangs, a brown mid length with bangs, a brown one that looks like a mullet so I have to wear hats over it (dont always go for the cheap ones, lol) ...and I am searching for the perfect platinum blonde, long with bangs....think Lady Gaga...why the heck not, right?

Ohh we're half way there...OHHH Livin on A Prayer!

 Today was a very important day for me. It marked the half way point of my chemotherapy treatments...3 down, 3 to go. I cannot wait til this is all behind me, and my calender is full of social events instead of blood draws and chemo dates. Although, I do have to say I had an awesome time catching up with my friend Megan at chemo today. Even the nurse pointed out what a good mood I always seem to be in and how wonderful it is I have different family/friends that come with me to chat. Honestly, tell me a better way to spend the mandatory 3 hours in the chair? We caught up on everything that has been going on at the Flagler Tavern since I haven't been able to cocktail waitress since July :( and everything that has changed since treatment started...and then we went out to lunch at La Fiesta...it was great. It's very important to me to keep some sense of "normal" in my life...it makes the situation all that easier to deal with on a day to day basis. Other than that I have been extremely busy this week. Work has thrown yet another curve ball at the us, and that was a stress in itself. We are 5 days away from our flight to Chicago for my cousin's wedding....SOO EXCITED....and I just got my dress in that I am going to wear...not to shabby looking, considering...lol (see pic). I am really looking forward to this trip, and I am praying everyday that the side effects of chemo subside alittle sooner this time around so I can enjoy the 4-5 days of my trip. It has been 5 years since I have been in the good 'ol Windy City, and this marks Aiden's first plane trip...so fingers crossed everything goes well. Will be blogging as much as I can to keep everyone posted. Off to bed now...this cancer chick has to get her beauty sleep...lots of love.

My glass is 1/3 full

Well, one more chemo down....4 to go! As I sit here at my computer I am slowly realizing that this process is going to be a long one. I knew before I even started treatment that my battle against cancer would be long, but the days after chemotherapy make me realize just how long. It's hard to explain to anyone that has not gone thru it themselves exactly how you feel after treatment, and what exactly the side effects are like. Either way, these are the times I find it the hardest to be positive. All I want to do is sleep. If they ever figure out a way to safely knock you out for 7 days after chemo and you can wake up having missed "the fog" then I am all for it! The second cycle of meds actually left me feeling "better" than the first, but still no where near myself. How silly it sounds to want to be able to mop your floors, or do your dishes without feeling like it will take the last bit of energy you have. Bring back those boring nights of doing nothing with the kids. Man, did I ever have it good! Just got to remind myself it will all be back in due time...

 I am still getting used to my G.I. Jane look...even though I do prefer it to my wig. I feel better walking around bald than I do looking like a drag queen. Everyone says the wig looks wonderful, and it is a very nice wig, but I feel like a 70 year old man trying to dress like a woman in it. Will I ever feel attractive again....I sure hope so!

And Life Goes On...

It's been awhile since I last wrote. I guess when you get to feeling well, time flies! For the first time since surgery I was able to take care of myself and my kids all by myself, which was a big step. Just when I was starting to heal up from surgery I had to get my first saline fill, which put me back a couple of steps and kept me from lifting Aiden...then chemo knocked me out for a week and a half...and honestly I still don't think I am suppose to be lifting more than 5 lbs. BUT I am proud to say I was able to have a pretty "normal" weekend :) It was so nice to be able to do my own laundry and get back to a routine. The appreciation for all the help my family and friends have given me over the last month and a half cannot even be expressed in words. And Sunday, while I was out to lunch with the kids, I actually started crying....right there in the middle of CiCi's...lol...my daughter probably thought I was going crazy. But it all hit me, as I looked at Aiden making a mess with his pasta noodles, and Bella sat there and told me about how much she liked her new posters in her room....I broke down....but not because I was sad, more because I was happy...because I AM happy. I am so happy that I am healthy enough to enjoy my wonderful kids, to be able to go to work, to do the little things that make my life great. So as I headed to my aunt's house to watch football, I thanked God for my health...and I know that might sound strange since I have cancer and am not the "healthiest" I have ever been...but at the end of the day, I am here and I am HEALTHY and HAPPY :) This week is not my favorite....have a saline fill into my expanders on Tuesday....Oncology appt and bloodwork on Thursday....Chemo on Friday. But I am trying not to look at the bad. Gonna focus on the good...have a friend teaching me Acoustic Guitar,  my favorite show GLEE on Tuesday and an web interview tonight to be part of a book on young cancer survivors...PLUS my Race for the Cure commercial is airing this month on Channel 9. Lookaloting at it this way make my week look alot nicer! Will be blogging soon about my second chemotherapy treatment...wish me luck!

P.S. My hair is thinning but hasn't completely fallen out yet...so when it does, be looking for the pretty bald pictures :)

Treatment #1 Down...and so am I

Ok, so no one said this was going to be a walk in the park, but I have only had one treatment and I feel like butt...lol. On Friday I showed up with bells on to receive my first round of Taxotere and Cytoxan, no big deal. Me and mom sat for three and a half hours as the medication ran its course. The port is a wonderful invention, one stick and no discomfort...I am all for that. And honestly, I left thinking that this was just as easy as could be. We got lunch, went home and I layed down. The whole weekend was a blur. The only way I can describe how I felt, and how I continue to feel, is like when you are just coming down or getting over the flu. Foggy head, tired, food has no appeal, just want to lay down but can't stand being in bed...it is very strange. I know I am on edge, and not myself. As I am sitting here typing this I feel like my head is in the clouds...and not in a good way. I am hungry, but don't even want to think about food really...I have been trying to drink lots of water, to flush the drugs out, and just keep my head up. I had a breakdown on Saturday...emotions are high...feels like I am very alone and all of a sudden the strength that has carried me through kind of disappeared...I knew this was going to happen, I have expected it all along, but it doesn't make it easier...very depressed feeling. This makes me doubt myself even more, because they say the treatments only get worse....GREAT, if this is the easiest, how the hell am I gonna make it thru Decemeber?? I am not looking forward to the Neulasta injection I am scheduled for today...it ups your white cell count, but I have heard the side effects (bone pain, etc) is no fun. Wish this was more upbeat but sorry folks, just not feeling it today. Oh, and P.S. wigs suck....all of them...they all look like crap...just FYI.

Losing my security blanket

With my first chemo treatment just 3 days away I knew it was time. I needed to cut my hair. OK, so you are thinking big deal, right? It's hair...it grows back. Well, to me, my hair is a symbol of my youth...of memories...it's part of me. I think the idea of losing my hair is WAY more horrific than losing my boobs. Long hair = Jessica...period...always. I have never had a short haircut, so maybe that is why it's a very difficult concept to get used to. Either way, my hair is going to fall out anyways...right? So, off I went to the hairdresser. By the way, if you live in my neck of the woods you NEED this guys phone number...Bobby is a miracle worker and has an eye for finding your perfect individual cut/style. So, I put myself in his very capable hands....and the results were better than I could have hoped for. For the next 2-3 weeks, before I become the cutest bald chick you've ever seen (hehe) I have one awesome short haircut :) And the best part of it all is the fact I could donate my hair to Locks of Love and help make a wig for a child in need.

Getting through the bad makes the good even better

The weeks following surgery were interesting, to say the least. My mom, who has had the same procedure done, kept telling me how well I was doing. In my opinion I was taking forever to heal. The hardest part of it all was not being able to hold or hug my kids. And to this day, over 4 weeks later, I still can't hold my 1 year old. I have to basically have 24/7 help to care for my little one, so my family has been taking shifts...lol...I feel like I am a child some days, but with that being said I wouldn't change my family for the world. They have pretty much sacrificed their own normal lives to make mine function day to day, and I will forever be grateful for everything they have done and continue to do. That includes the benefit they put together to help raise funds for my treatment and awareness for the cause. Everything went so well, and it made me stop worrying so much about the loss of my income and focus more on my recovery and health. It's hard to ignore the fact that you will lose 1/3 of your income for at least 6 months because you can't work your normal 60 hours a week...pretty scary actually...I started picturing us living in the streets for a minute. But a million thanks to all the friends, family, co-workers, and strangers that have donated their time and money to make sure me and my children don't have to have those fears. There are so many thoughts that go through your head when something like this happens. On top of financial fears (which was one of my biggest) another was how am  I ever going to date again? Don't get me wrong, I know this is not my main problem right now...lol...but in the grand scheme of things I am only 27 years old, and eventually one day I would like to have a boyfriend...but I don't think there is a big market for bald chicks with no boobs who have chemotherapy and radiation treatments covering their calenders...lol. I have to keep constantly reminding myself that after this is all done I will grow my hair back, I will have surgery for implant placement, and I won't always have a never-ending schedule of doctor visits. This too shall pass. So, in the meantime I take it one step at a time...this past weekend was my son's first birthday and it was just amazing watching him around his family, all smiles, and just loving every minute of the day. It's those moments that make you realize why you fight, why you go thru all the bad to get to the good, why each day and each minute is precious...these are the important things in life.

What do you mean I am not here for a pedicure??

July 21st, 2010 - Surgery day had arrived. I was scheduled to go in for a bilateral mastectomy with tissue expander placement for reconstruction, and placement of a port for chemotherapy. When the nurse checked me in and read over the various procedures with me to confirm that I knew what I was having done I joked with her "What? You mean I'm not here for a pedicure?" At first she didn't know how to take my humor, but then she realized I was in good spirits, and she laughed. That was pretty much how the whole day went...no one really knew how to take my mood. The only way I can explain how I felt that day was calm. I woke up with the mind set that this is what I have to do, this is what I am going to do, and I am going to keep my spirits up as much as possible through it all. But I couldn't deny the overwhelming peaceful feeling that went through me, and continues to run through me every day since surgery. I know where the credit is due....all the prayers everyone was saying for me and God's amazing power was the reason I found my strength. I have never experienced anything like it before, and I will always be the first to attest to the power of prayer from now on. So, as my family sat around me, waiting for me to be wheeled off to surgery, we talked and laughed and had the other patients wondering....why the heck is this girl so happy before surgery?? Not a single tear was shed that day...well, not by me at least...and I went into that operating room knowing that this was the beginning of a long journey, but one that will make me much stronger in the end. And I found it kind of ironic, that one month exactly before my son's first birthday I was having a surgery done that wasn't part of my "Things to Do" list one month ago. And I also thought it was funny, 11 months ago I was having a c-section, today I was having a mastectomy....when do I get my pedicure??

Out of body experience

The long anticipated results came on July 7th, while I was sitting at my desk. When I answered the phone to hear not the nurses voice, but my doctor's voice, on the other end. This was not a good sign. "Hello Jessica, I know it must have been hard waiting so long for these results....as you probably guessed it is a malignant tumor, so we are going to send you to a specialist and get a treatment plan together." Any other time I would have been furious that a doctor would be so calm while giving that kind of news, and on the phone none the less....but not this time. This doctor knew my family history as well as I did, and I am sure, in her mind, it was only a waiting game before this news was given to me. Before hanging up the phone the doctor even offered to help babysit, if I needed it, which I thought was sweet and comical all at the same time. Who's doctor does that? The doctor of a 26 year old single mom who has just been diagnosed with breast cancer I guess.  So, what did I do? I hung up the phone and cried my eyes out, right there at my desk...then, I got in my car and drove to go get my kids like any other day. The next couple of weeks were a blur...doctors appointments, talking to family and friends,  planning for surgery, and trying to live life normally at the same time. The whole time it felt like an out of body experience, and I guess that is a good thing because it helped get me to the operating room in one piece, without completely losing my mind...well, sort of.

4th of July

I have always liked the fourth of July. It's not my favorite holiday of all, but it has a certain special feeling associated with it. It meant an extra day off from work, pool parties, BBQ's, and, of course, fireworks. Ever since I was younger fireworks were always very emotional for me. Don't ask me why, I really don't know, sounds kind of silly actually. My first real memory of 4th of July was watching the fireworks in downtown Chicago, against the beautiful skyline. Then, jump about 5 years and I remember me and my best friend, Delorean, sneaking away to watch the fireworks with our boyfriends...two pairs of 13 year olds, holding hands at the park, thinking they were "in love" lol. I have watched the fireworks with my mom, dad, sister ,brother, cousins...I have watched them with my husband and my daughter, I have watched them thru a rainstorm, two years ago, in the car next to my Grandma, the year before she passed away. And this year, as I watched them with my 6 year old daughter and 10 month old son, I fought the tears. Not only because this was my first 4th of July ever as a single woman, or because this was Aiden's first time seeing the awesome colors and sounds (I am a sucker for babies first holidays) but because of all this and the fact I was waiting on biopsy results that would decide my fate. I had gone in for my mammogram, and before I could even leave the office they had ordered the biopsy to be done. Not a very pleasant procedure, the ultrasound guided biopsy took about 30 minutes to complete and left me in enough pain that I was wondering how I was going to hold my 20 lb son for the next couple days. When the very experienced doctor....and by that I mean old...said "It doesn't really look good" I started to think this might be more serious than an enlarged cyst....so now I was waiting, over the loooong holiday weekend, for test results that could make or break me. Just another reason the 4th of July will always be memorable I guess...

Typical Thursday...work, shower, and find a lump...

I will remember it for the rest of my life...and not in the good way I will remember things like the births of my children, or Christmas with my family...but in a way that makes my heart sink. I was rushing around, as usual. It was 3:00pm on Thursday June 17th and I had just left one job to get ready to go to the next. I was in the shower and something just didn't feel normal. I found a fairly big lump in my right breast that, I swear, must have grown overnight. First thought...I don't have time for this! Honestly, that was my first thought. In my head I already knew I was going to be headed to get a mammogram, ultrasound and MRI...just for them to tell me it was probably some cyst that got enlarged from breast feeding some months ago...and I just didn't have time to slow down right now. I had only been in my own place for 4 months, and I couldn't afford to take time off work for all of that. And after that first couple seconds of random thoughts faded away, my rational side kicked in. Of course I was going to call the doctor first thing in the morning and go through the steps I needed to. It's hard to ignore things like this when your family history stares you in the face everyday. My mom was only 34 years old when she was first diagnosed with breast cancer, and then 42 when it re-occurred on the other side. She is one of a long list of Aunts, Cousins, Great Aunts, etc. that have gone done the breast cancer road. And, knowing my family history from an early age, I had already gotten the BRAC Gene Testing done. I was 22 years old when I found out that I was 87% pre-determined to develop breast cancer in my lifetime due to a mutated gene. That information is hard to wrap your thoughts around, but in my mind I still had time...hell, I was in my twenties, I just had a baby 10 months ago, I was just transitioning into a very independent, wonderful part of my life...of course I had time, it's not like this could be cancer...So, I got dressed, and headed off to work my 9 hour shift at the bar, not really thinking about the WHAT IF's.